Dealer's Dog and Other Tales of Non-Valor by William A. Patrick III

Dealer's Dog and Other Tales of Non-Valor, William A. Patrick III.[also: Dealer's Dog and other tall tales of non-valor]. self-published, 2010. e-book, 156 pps.

Although Dealer's Dog describes itself as fiction, it reads too true to me to really be fiction. I treated it as a semi-autobiographical lark into the memories of the coming of age of the author. No offence intended to the author. 

Whether it is wholly fiction or not, I chortled through the entire book. The characters were charming and horrid by turns, the protagonist-- a slacker kid named Ash who is forced by his mother to get a job-- was endearing, and the partying escapades were riotous.

And yet...

sapphoq reviews says: If you like slacker novels, then you will like Dealer's Dog. The stories are woven together in an effect that produces a feeling of, "Oh yeah, I remember stuff like that. There was this kid I knew..." This is the kind of book that the hired help will be reading to me and my cronies in nursing homes and assisted living places in order to stimulate our memories some years hence. For adults only please. Highly recommended.

You Suck by Christopher Moore

You Suck: A Love Story, Christopher Moore. New York: HarperCollins e-books, 2007.  235 pps.

You Suck starts out with a newly turned vampire and his girlfriend. There is a very heavy cat who was shaved and given a sweater, a few bronzed "statues," and a group of co-workers on the night shift at a supermarket. And some bad guys of course. 

sapphoq reviews says: I was guffawing in the living room. Housemate knew I was once again reading a Christopher Moore book. You Suck is a light-hearted look at a few young vampires. Have you ever considered what happens to the bathroom habits of the undead? I mean, they usually don't eat. So... 
     If you are a fan of Christopher Moore or of vampires of a different sort, you must read this book. You Suck certainly does not suck. Highly recommended.

My Dog, The Paradox by The Oatmeal

My Dog: The Paradox: A Lovable Discourse about Man's Best Friend, The Oatmeal.  Kansas City: Andrews McMeel Publishing, LLC: 2013.  ebook, 36 pages.


http://theoatmeal.com/
@oatmeal on twitter

     If you aren't familiar with The Oatmeal, go there right now.  Then come back here if you are still interested in my review.  The Oatmeal put up a lengthy dog comic up on his blog and it then became a book (and also an e-book).  It really is quite good.

     The dog of the book is adorable, modeled after his "real" dog Rambo.  The book lists the things that Rambo is afraid of and the things he relishes, stuff he has eaten and upchucked, and what happens anytime The Oatmeal returns.  The cartoons are now in vivid color. 

sapphoq reviews says:  The Oatmeal has created a lovable tribute to his lovable dog.  Get this book and read it.  Even after the worse of Thanksgiving dinners with the family that removes the fun from dysfunctional, you are sure to laugh out loud.  High recommended.

I'm Down by Mishna Wolff

I'm Down: A Memoir, Mishna Wolff.  New York: St. Martin's Press, 2009.  e-book, 208 pps.

     Mishna and her younger sister are white.  Their divorced parents are white.  But their dad thinks he is black.  He is so enamored of Black Culture that he lives in a black neighborhood and raises his children as if they were also black.  The two sisters attend a summer recreational program with not much recreation in it.  Mishna learns how to cap.  She despairs of her dad's increasingly bizarre girlfriends and eventually is forced to retreat to her mother's home in an affluent [predominantly] white neighborhood.  She discovers that a few of her white rich girl classmates are pretty mixed up in spite of their very different upbringing.

sapphoq reviews says:  Mishna Wolff has written a fine memoir of her unique upbringing.  Her memories are treated with both seriousness and humor.  I could picture her as a younger in my mind.  Highly recommended as an anecdotal exploration of what it means to be the Other in the United States of America.

Grumpy Cat by Grumpy Cat

Grumpy Cat: A Grumpy Book, Grumpy Cat.  San Francisco:  Chronicle Books, 2013, 75 pps. E-book.


http://www.grumpycats.com/

@RealGrumpyCat  [on Twitter]

note from and quoted from the book:  copyright (c) 2013 by Grumpy Cat Limited.  Grumpy Cat Images Copyright and "Grumpy Cat" Trademark are the exclusive property of
Grumpy Cat
Limited, Ohio, USA

Grumpy Cat lives in Arizona with is bio-bro Pokey and a dog.  He professes to not even know the dog's name.  His book is full of pictures of Grumpy Cat looking-- well-- grumpy; and some witty captions which clearly illustrate the value of grumpiness over other mood states.  There are a few quizzes and word games as well as a recipe for litter box cake. 

sapphoq reviews says:  If you love @RealGrumpyCat on Twitter, you will love this book!  I've added this book to the collection of things I read to make me laugh on an emo-sad day.  Sorry Grumpy Cat, you make me smile!

Lamb by Christopher Moore

Lamb:  The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal, Christopher Moore.  New York:  HarperCollins Publishers, 2009.
e-book, 420 pps.

Christopher Moore on Twitter is @TheAuthorGuy.  His official website is found at: http://www.chrismoore.com/ .


I picked up Lamb, knowing only that it was a humorous take on the life of Christ.  I was wrong.  Christopher Moore penned a hysterical take on Jesus, his best friend Biff [a.k.a. Levi], the girl they both wanted, disciples and apostles, the missing years, and everything. 

Jesus was sort of an innocent in this book.  His too-honest ways got him into trouble more often than not.  Biff was there to drag him out of tight spots during their childhoods and afterwards.  Of women and fornication, Jesus was curious.  Biff had to satisfy this curiosity by-- well, by hiring sex workers of the feminine persuasion-- engaging in this particular sin within earshot of the Christ.

The two traveled about looking for the three wise men that were present after the birth of Jesus in the stable.  What they found was far more mysterious and entertaining.  There is a yeti-- charming and charmed by the presence of Jesus at the same time.  There are gentle pokes at the Buddha Nature as the two trekked all over the known world so Jesus could learn how to be the Messiah.  We know from the official gospels that it ends badly for Jesus.  The crucifixion was present in Lamb also, with a twist.

sapphoq reviews says:  I adored Lamb:  The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal.  Christopher Moore's masterpiece left me catching my breath from laughing too hard and snorting my tea out of my nostrils.  An excellent read, not to be missed.  Highly recommended. 

Atypical by Jesse A.Saperstein

Atypical: Life with Asperger's in 20 1/3 Chapters, Jesse A.Saperstein.  New York: Perigee Book/ Penguin Group Inc., 2010.  e-book, 186 pps.

A gambling casino dedicated to Aspergians.  How to scare off the door-knockers and telemarketers.  Reading a Chanukah poem to a congregation with permission of the rabbi.  The poem is modeled after "T'was the Night Before Christmas."  Christmas cards to strangers, DVDs, and Halloween.

Jesse A. Saperstein was a misunderstood child who grew up.  The class clown went to college, hiked the Appalachian Trail, had a job at IBM, was a substitute teacher for awhile, and then happily got a job at a mortuary. 

sapphoq reviews says:  Jesse A. Saperstein has created a laugh-out-loud book.  Atypical is an excellent read for adults who have Asperger's Syndrome or who are suspected Aspies as well as for people who enjoy belly laughs.  I loved this book.  Highly recommended. 

P.S.  I found myself quite jealous of the author's Uncle Justin.  I could have used one of them myself.  I still can.  Uncle Justin, if you are still out there, I'm interested in becoming an adopted family member.  kthxbai.

Fail Nation by Failblog.org

Fail Nation: A Visual Romp Through the World of Epic Fails, Failblog.org.  New York: HarperCollins Publishers Inc., 2009.  e-book, 50 pps.

Fail Nation is one of the books that I reserve for less than happy days.  I like humor and I like pictures and this book has both.  Fail Nation presents itself as a travel guide, complete with helpful signs, some of which I swear came from my town.  The saddest thing about Fail Nation is that the photos were not staged.  The funniest thing about Fail Nation is that the photos were not staged.

sapphoq reviews says:  Fail Nation is sure to tickle your funny bone.  Get it.

Mormon Mayhem by Keaton Albertson

Mormon Mayhem: Uncouth Stories of a Rogue Missionary, Keaton Albertson.  Compton, California: Fast Pencil Inc., 2010. 
e-book, 275 pps.

Mormon Mayhem chronicles the six weeks or so that Keaton spent as a Mormon missionary, plus a bit of time before and after his experience.  After some instruction in what to do, he was then assigned to some town in Florida with a partner.  Fortunately for Keaton but not for the L.D.S., Keaton's partner was cool.  Partner was willing to show Keaton how to score chicks.  Together they plotted to ditch their witnessing efforts quite a bit of the time there.  They also plotted how to cover that up.  Then Something happened.  It was a big Something.  The result of Something happening is that Keaton stopped pretending his compliance and became outright defiant.  He then decided to ditch the mask and went on his merry way doing what he does best-- irreverence and humor and sex with women.

sapphoq reviews says: Keaton Albertson is a worthwhile writer.  His words zing with truth and have left me in choking hysterics and deep belly laughs.  If you get offended easily by cursing or talk of unmarried sex, don't get this book.  If you are an adult with a sense of humor and the understanding that some folks just don't do church well, by all means get this book.  Anything that Keaton Albertson is designed to tickle the funny bone while imparting some basic fun truths about the human condition. 

How 2 Be Awsum by Professor Happycat

How 2 Be Awsum: A LOLcat Guide 2 Life, Professor Happycat.  New York: Penguin Books, 2011.  e-book.  144 pps.


How 2 Be Awsum is 144 pages of cuteness.  Delicious cats and kittens peer out from the pages to beseech you to fix the coffee correctly, berate you for offering a pink cupcake or for having an easy to guess password.  There is a cat whose opinion of your art lessons is that you seriously need a refund, a kitten who expected a bigger fish but will accept it, and even reasonable zombie cats.  What's not to love?



sapphoq reviews says:  How 2 Be Awsum is also on my list of books for a sad day.  The formatting for an e-reader is much improved over I Has a Hot Dog.  This is a book full of whimsey.  I was first introduced to this style of tagging photos via Caterday and long cats protesting Scientology in the style of Anonymous.  How 2 Be Awsum is truly that and definitely offers pearls of wisdom for life mixed in with the cuteness.  An endearing win for any library.

I Has a Hot Dog by Professor Happycat

I Has a Hot Dog, Professor Happycat.  New York: Hachette Book Group, 2010.  e-book, 23 pps.  Copyright 2010 is held by Pet Holdings, Inc.

I has a Hot Dog takes LOL Cat-Speak into the neighborhood of things with tails, paws, and teeth which aren't feline.  Soulful eyes look out at the reader from pages denoting artistic canine skill with drawing chalk hearts and from exasperated dogs whose owners are clueless over what their dog pets are thinking.  The e-book version feels longer than 23 pages because some of the pages have more than one picture.

sapphoq reviews says: Fans of LOL Cats who also like cute dogs and puppies with witty captions in the pics will enjoy I Has a Hot Dog.  This is an adorable book that I've included in with my "Happy Kit for a Blue Day".  I Has a Hot Dog delivers deep chuckles in a clever fashion.  Highly recommended.

The Anti-Therapist by Keaton Albertson

The Anti-Therapist: Interrogations and Interventions with Sex Offenders, Keaton Albertson.  Self-Published e-book, Keaton Albertson, 2012.  528 pps.

In researching the troubled teen industry, I became curious as to whether or not some sects of the [fundamentalist variety; that is to say the fringe polygamist sects] Latter Day Saints had the underpinnings of an abuse culture.  I came across several e-books by Keaton Alberton.  Keaton Albertson grew up in a Mormon household but departed from that faith as he rocketed into adulthood.  The Keaton Alberton books had nothing to do with the question of abuse culture or the troubled teen industry.  Samples convinced me to read them anyways.  So here is the first one that I've read.

As a young man, Keaton Albertson got a job as a treatment facilitator.  He had to interview various predators who were locked up for treatment as part of their sentences for their various disgusting crimes.  Their crimes were truly disgusting.  And so were some of their behaviors on their living units.  Keaton's clientele included folks who did things with their grandchildren, with barn animals, with shit, and with anything filthy imaginable.  They were required to disclose a full sexual history.  Their perversions were worse than anything that I've seen on television.  And these guys saw nothing wrong with things like trying to get a horse to administer oral sex [FAIL], beating on a Staffordshire terrier and then trying to get it to give them oral sex [FAIL], masturbating with feces in public toilet stalls that were vacated by little girls [FAIL], stealing underwear from a garage sale [FAIL], ejaculating into a hole they secretly created in their neighbor's kid's teddy bear and then leaving it on the pillow uncleaned to fester when the neighbors weren't at home [FAIL].  In spite of the subject matter, I laughed uproariously at Keaton's descriptions of each interview and situation that he ran into.  I don't think I will quite forget for a long time the likes of a dude who left little piles of constipated shit in the communal shower stall at the treatment facility or the guy who stole hot sauce from the cafeteria to use as a lubricant during his special moments with his penis and testicles.  Keaton's story-telling ability shone throughout the book.  The truly frightening thing about this book is that the guys that he described really do exist.  And until they get caught, they are out in public doing things or possibly next door having pool parties and mowing the lawn.  

Keaton also recounted his escapades with a couple of buddies from work after-hours.  And a new boss that he named Assclown who certainly resembled his moniker.

A friend of mine from high school used to hang out quite a bit at her apartment.  Her mother was a stout Irish woman who used to tell us all of the time that "Truth is stranger than fiction."  [She also told us more than once that we stank like a brewery when we descended upon the apartment after a drinking spree in college].  To which I can say, "Yeah.  Truth certainly is."  The Anti-Therapist is a perfect illustration of that motto.

I never really cared for my snooty neighbors-- the ones with the pool parties and mowed lawn-- but now I am leery of them as well. It's far too easy to picture them doing all kinds of really demented sexual stuff while putting on a good front around town.  Just makes me want to go live in a cave very far away from anyone and anywhere.

sapphoq reviews says:  If you object to sexual topics or cursing, then don't read this book.  But if you are able to deal with f-bombs and weird things you've never thought about, then The Anti-Therapist is a winner.  It helps if you've read enough John Douglas or have a decent background in anything related to true crime or perps and how they pick their targets.  Keaton Albertson is a winner of a writer.  I'm looking forward to reading more of his books.  Highly recommended.

Let's Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson

Let's Pretend This Never Happened (A Mostly True Memoir), Jenny Lawson "the Bloggess."  New York: Penguin Group (G.P. Putnam's Sons), 2012.  via NOOK® e-reader, 289 pps.

Let's Pretend This Never Happened had me reduced to hysterical laughter of the variety that woke up my flatmate from a dead sleep.  I couldn't help it.  There were 35 chapters and an epilogue of off the wall funny.  The author-blogger grew up in Wall, Texas.  Her parents decided to move back there after the author set a broomstick on fire at the age of three and went running through the apartment with it just because.  Jenny Lawson grew up poor, the kind of poor that had radon tap water in the pipes, chickens in filing cabinets in the garage instead of in a hen house, and a bloody deer being cleaned out for dinner that night.  Jenny and her sister ran around barefoot, or in bread sack shoes.

Jenny Lawson's dad was given to bringing home wild abandoned baby animals to raise, making puppets out of dead animal carcasses, and throwing a bunch of ducklings into the living room for his children-- and later his grandchildren-- to round up.  The author's abridged version of "The Dangerous Thesaurus of My Father" had me laughing while breathing in instead of out.  [sapphoq reviews says: As a child I had always laughed "in," that is to say while breathing in.  I didn't think anything of this until some kids in school pointed this out to me.  I learned how to laugh while breathing out like everyone else does, however I revert to laughing "in" whenever something is so funny that my natural laugh takes over.  I can only attribute this laughing "in" to something in my Swedish ancestry-- perhaps.  I've heard that some Swedes laugh the way I naturally do.  I've never been given any explanation for this by any family member.  My laugh was never commented on by any family member.  Tis a great mystery...]. Her mom was sensible and resigned.  Her sister adjusted well to rural living in a school that took kids to watch a cow being artificially inseminated for field trips and allowed the older kids to drive the family tractor to school.  Back in those days, Wall didn't have much in it, not even a gas station.  

Jenny Lawson got out and went to live in a Big City, where she met her now husband.  They prospered there for a bit and then decided to move to a small rural area like Wall so that their child could experience country living.  She reported that civilization in the form of a gas station and several chain stores has come to Wall.  She and her sister, both with kids of their own in tow, return to Wall yearly for an impromptu reunion.  Her dad has not mellowed in his older age as the grandkids were treated to rounding up ducklings in the living room for fun one day.


Ever present throughout the book was Jenny Lawson's anxiety.  She was anxious about the idea that her rural home was built on an Indian mound [it wasn't], anxious about meeting some other women blogging friends for a long weekend, anxious about giving speeches in class to the point of freezing into hysterical laughter, anxious about the sense of impending doom that walked with her as a child and still walks with her now.  Her anxiety and the foreign feel to her upbringing were the cause of various outbursts of verbal sparring with her husband-- things like whether one should throw up in a garbage can or in a vomit bowl, the proper way to sit on a couch avoiding the decorative pillows.  I could relate to her anxiety.  I've had my own bouts with anxiety and with a flatmate who doesn't relate to my own up-bringing. 

sapphoq reviews says: This review doesn't do the book justice.  Anyone who likes funny stuff will love this book.  Anyone who doesn't like funny stuff, if forced to read this book, cannot help but be overcome with laughter.  Highly recommended.  [But maybe not for folks who object to the f-word in their reading material].